2011-07-12
♥ Given up
I'm giving up. It's so tiring to have to deal with all the negative shit that happens to me and having to put up a positive front. For me, pretending to be positive about life or even trying to think that way is energy-consuming. It's so much easier to just give up. It's also so sad too but not as sad as I'm feeling right now.
This past week has been horrible and today was like expired icing on a cake. Trust me, they're bad. A week ago, my cousin offered me a job opportunity through her friend and today I heard back from my cousin about it. Apparently, I had done a phone interview with that company before and since it didn't go well, they blacklisted me. So yeah, even after a year or so, they think my responses are the same and they're not even gonna give me a chance to interview again. I've said this before and I'll say it again; I was stupid a year ago. Well, I still am but less stupid than how I was back then. I experienced enough to know what I should do and you know what? Even if I do, what does it matter?
People tell me to stay strong but they haven't even been in my shoes to know how BS that sounds to me. I know they mean well and it's not like I've never tried to stay strong. But when you keep bumping into walls and hitting them, should you just stop walking? I know there are people who have gone through what I've gone through but they're not me and I'm not them. I was never the type of person to stay up for long and I've always been down a lot. I fall down easily under unhappy situations. It's hard to get me to feel confident for a long time.
I'm not even talking only about jobs and interviews. I'm talking about life in general. I've stopped screwing up on friendship...by not meeting anyone new for like a year. I'm happy that Maggie's talking to me. I know not to make the same mistake I've made. But the point is I made mistakes even when I knew not to make them and that's screwing up hard! Not only that. Relationships. I had a good one going and I screwed that thing up by being the selfish bitch that I was. Then I went ahead and did something I told myself not to do and ended up hating the guy. Well, not hating. More like disliking him a lot...or avoiding a lot. Now I'm scared to even get myself into a relationship because I don't want to turn into the insane bitch I was back then.
Now I go and like someone I'm not supposed to. It got me thinking this: I'm never gonna get married at this rate. I think that will come true and I'm afraid! I mean, who wants to grow old alone? I wanna grow old with someone I love who loves me back. I keep liking a guy so easily that it really makes me sick. But you know, this time it's not as bad. Back then, I would really want the guy to break up with his gf but I actually haven't thought that way since I started liking Leyda...again. Maybe it's just...nothing as time passes. I just know now that I'm depressed and I'm lonely. It's not that I wanna share my pain with someone because I don't wanna cause anyone pain. I just want someone to be here with me to comfort me and support me. Except I don't have one. Leyda is actually a really nice guy so I can't say that I only like him coz I'm lonely. He's also not bad looking and he told me he has his six-pack back. A bit shallow but everyone's like that.
I don't know now whether or not going back to school for a master's in forensic psychology is a good idea or not. It really isn't because the chances of me finding a job after isn't high. Still, I don't know where I wanna go. I'm so lost in this world because I haven't been given that many opportunities. Honestly, I don't know how I want to live my life. All I know is that I want my death to come faster and since I'm against suicide, that option's out. People wish to live up to 100 or longer; I've always just imagined myself living up to like 35 and dying from an accident or something. I don't understand people's desire to live longer. Well, maybe I don't coz of my life right now. Not even my friends make me wanna live longer. Nothing does.
So the question is: why haven't I died yet?
This past week has been horrible and today was like expired icing on a cake. Trust me, they're bad. A week ago, my cousin offered me a job opportunity through her friend and today I heard back from my cousin about it. Apparently, I had done a phone interview with that company before and since it didn't go well, they blacklisted me. So yeah, even after a year or so, they think my responses are the same and they're not even gonna give me a chance to interview again. I've said this before and I'll say it again; I was stupid a year ago. Well, I still am but less stupid than how I was back then. I experienced enough to know what I should do and you know what? Even if I do, what does it matter?
People tell me to stay strong but they haven't even been in my shoes to know how BS that sounds to me. I know they mean well and it's not like I've never tried to stay strong. But when you keep bumping into walls and hitting them, should you just stop walking? I know there are people who have gone through what I've gone through but they're not me and I'm not them. I was never the type of person to stay up for long and I've always been down a lot. I fall down easily under unhappy situations. It's hard to get me to feel confident for a long time.
I'm not even talking only about jobs and interviews. I'm talking about life in general. I've stopped screwing up on friendship...by not meeting anyone new for like a year. I'm happy that Maggie's talking to me. I know not to make the same mistake I've made. But the point is I made mistakes even when I knew not to make them and that's screwing up hard! Not only that. Relationships. I had a good one going and I screwed that thing up by being the selfish bitch that I was. Then I went ahead and did something I told myself not to do and ended up hating the guy. Well, not hating. More like disliking him a lot...or avoiding a lot. Now I'm scared to even get myself into a relationship because I don't want to turn into the insane bitch I was back then.
Now I go and like someone I'm not supposed to. It got me thinking this: I'm never gonna get married at this rate. I think that will come true and I'm afraid! I mean, who wants to grow old alone? I wanna grow old with someone I love who loves me back. I keep liking a guy so easily that it really makes me sick. But you know, this time it's not as bad. Back then, I would really want the guy to break up with his gf but I actually haven't thought that way since I started liking Leyda...again. Maybe it's just...nothing as time passes. I just know now that I'm depressed and I'm lonely. It's not that I wanna share my pain with someone because I don't wanna cause anyone pain. I just want someone to be here with me to comfort me and support me. Except I don't have one. Leyda is actually a really nice guy so I can't say that I only like him coz I'm lonely. He's also not bad looking and he told me he has his six-pack back. A bit shallow but everyone's like that.
I don't know now whether or not going back to school for a master's in forensic psychology is a good idea or not. It really isn't because the chances of me finding a job after isn't high. Still, I don't know where I wanna go. I'm so lost in this world because I haven't been given that many opportunities. Honestly, I don't know how I want to live my life. All I know is that I want my death to come faster and since I'm against suicide, that option's out. People wish to live up to 100 or longer; I've always just imagined myself living up to like 35 and dying from an accident or something. I don't understand people's desire to live longer. Well, maybe I don't coz of my life right now. Not even my friends make me wanna live longer. Nothing does.
So the question is: why haven't I died yet?
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