2011-07-16
♥ I'm getting better...I hope
I realized that some parts of my last entry wasn't hidden properly so I went back to edit it.
Since then, I've felt better and my decision to un-enroll myself from the master's program at FDU is what I hope to be a correct choice. I'm probably going to call on Monday and find out how to proceed with that. I do want to get my master's one day but I'll just have to see then what it will be in. Right now, my family's having some financial troubles and I don't think it's the right time to take out about $70,000 in loan. I think that's stupid considering how I haven't even finished paying the loan I took out for my undergrad years. Thankfully, I moved out that last semester, which made my loan debt less. Right now, I know I should try hard to find a job and to find a balance between my life and my family life. I'm not talking about a husband and child of my own; I'm talking about my parents. >.>
-->(Read more...below)
Yesterday, I dreamed about Leyda and Victor. As usual, it was some crazy, abstract dream; it made sense and at the same time, it didn't. Victor was of course being my best friend, even in my dream. Leyda, on the other hand, played weird role. Oh...and Roger was in it but very briefly. The real part of the dream was my feelings towards Roger (regret) and Leyda (crush *blush*). The fake part was everything else...which is what a dream is! So to recap what happened--and what I can remember--I was feeling regretful about my relationship with Roger and I was sitting on this high surface, staring out at a window. I remember Leyda was calling to me and telling me to come down. Since I was up high, I had to jump into his arms. I think Victor was there too. When I was finally down on the ground, the settings changed and we were in some large supermarket (great selection of food. ^_^). Although we were just friends, Leyda and I were holding hands while walking around looking at the food. The holding hands part was more of me finding comfort than it was because of my feelings. Victor was there too, walking with us. Anyway, right before I woke up though, I remember that the whole atmosphere wasn't good because although we held hands, Leyda didn't take it as a "more than friendly" gesture, whereas I did. So yeah. That's really all I can remember and yeah, I'm not surprised my dream turned out that way. They are ALWAYS weird, with some realism mixed in. However, I'm never one to interpret my dream to mean something. To me, dreams are a way to consolidate our day's memory and therefore, don't contain any meanings.
But remembering the dream is throwing me into confusion. I already am oscillating between "like" and "don't like" and I was on the "don't like" side. Now I'm back to the "like" side. I'm so confused about my feelings for that stupid, dorky guy! And he's really nice too. Grr...Oh! By the way, I think I'm taller than his girlfriend. Why does that matter? Because I don't like being short. Hmph. Well, it's either that or Leyda's gotten much taller than I thought.
So the "Jana" nail polish from Zoya has finally come out. I'm waiting to get it because I don't wanna spend too much money. Zoya has such beautiful nail polish colours. Along with Jana, I'm planning on getting Lily and Breezi. Lily is this beautiful pale pink colour which is not as saturated so when I don't feel like wearing bright colours, I can wear Lily. Breezi is this bright sky blue-ish colour and I usually don't go for those kinds of colours but I really like this one. I also wanted to get Charla too but it's too shimmery. For some reason, my makeup preferences now has changed. I used to like shimmery but now I'm more of a matte person. Also, I used to like coloured makeup but I'm more natural/neutral now. I'm waiting until Black Friday comes to buy the Coastal Scents' "Metal Mania" palette. It has all the colours that I want and they're wearable. I also want half lashes. Well, I want to try them out. Oh, forgot! I really want that Naked palette from Urban Decay. Clarissa highly recommends it. It also costs me $48 so I have to hold off on that for a while...a long while.
Until I get a job, that is. I'll put some money in my savings account. Pay some of the loan debt. Give some to my mom to help pay some of the bill. Then maybe if I'm lucky, I'll actually have like $10 to spend however I want (food, basically). Anyway, that's when I get a job, which I hope is soon. ^_^
Before I sign off, I want to say this. Yes, I'm talking too much about a certain someone and yes, I will probably regret it a few months from now but this is what happens when I'm bored. A boyfriend is someone you have because you like them,they have a higher chance of being a potential procreate mate, and you want someone to talk to comfortably about anything. That last part is what I need the most. I mean, I do have friends but although they are really good friends, sometimes the things I say can be too much and it's a burden to them. I feel bad but I have no one else to go to for advice and for comfort. That's why I want a boyfriend so much so that I can take some of the burden off my friends. Of course, this time I won't be telling my friends about my relationship troubles. I learned that well from my past experience. Right now, I'm just longing for a someone who I can call at like 3am and cry to them about my problems. A boyfriend sounds right...well, unless he sets up some boundaries. :-/ Also, a boyfriend would make me feel less lonely.
Maybe I'm thinking of all these excuses to have a boyfriend because my cousin's getting married next week. Finally, a cousin from one of my parents' side who's marrying because---. Well, I feel it's too mean to even mention so I'll keep that bit to myself.
Right now, I'm just too lost in this world. Once I get a job and get settled in that, maybe I'll find some of me. I'm just a hopeless lost girl who's finding trouble by thinking of things I shouldn't. Like suicide (which I'm an anti of but not to the extreme) and Leyda. I'm in no position to commit myself to a person and give him my whole heart/world BUT I am in the position where I'm willing to commit to a job. ^^ So right now, my two worries are my lack of being in a relationship and being unemployed. :*( I need a stable and secured life!
Since then, I've felt better and my decision to un-enroll myself from the master's program at FDU is what I hope to be a correct choice. I'm probably going to call on Monday and find out how to proceed with that. I do want to get my master's one day but I'll just have to see then what it will be in. Right now, my family's having some financial troubles and I don't think it's the right time to take out about $70,000 in loan. I think that's stupid considering how I haven't even finished paying the loan I took out for my undergrad years. Thankfully, I moved out that last semester, which made my loan debt less. Right now, I know I should try hard to find a job and to find a balance between my life and my family life. I'm not talking about a husband and child of my own; I'm talking about my parents. >.>
-->(Read more...below)
Yesterday, I dreamed about Leyda and Victor. As usual, it was some crazy, abstract dream; it made sense and at the same time, it didn't. Victor was of course being my best friend, even in my dream. Leyda, on the other hand, played weird role. Oh...and Roger was in it but very briefly. The real part of the dream was my feelings towards Roger (regret) and Leyda (crush *blush*). The fake part was everything else...which is what a dream is! So to recap what happened--and what I can remember--I was feeling regretful about my relationship with Roger and I was sitting on this high surface, staring out at a window. I remember Leyda was calling to me and telling me to come down. Since I was up high, I had to jump into his arms. I think Victor was there too. When I was finally down on the ground, the settings changed and we were in some large supermarket (great selection of food. ^_^). Although we were just friends, Leyda and I were holding hands while walking around looking at the food. The holding hands part was more of me finding comfort than it was because of my feelings. Victor was there too, walking with us. Anyway, right before I woke up though, I remember that the whole atmosphere wasn't good because although we held hands, Leyda didn't take it as a "more than friendly" gesture, whereas I did. So yeah. That's really all I can remember and yeah, I'm not surprised my dream turned out that way. They are ALWAYS weird, with some realism mixed in. However, I'm never one to interpret my dream to mean something. To me, dreams are a way to consolidate our day's memory and therefore, don't contain any meanings.
But remembering the dream is throwing me into confusion. I already am oscillating between "like" and "don't like" and I was on the "don't like" side. Now I'm back to the "like" side. I'm so confused about my feelings for that stupid, dorky guy! And he's really nice too. Grr...Oh! By the way, I think I'm taller than his girlfriend. Why does that matter? Because I don't like being short. Hmph. Well, it's either that or Leyda's gotten much taller than I thought.
So the "Jana" nail polish from Zoya has finally come out. I'm waiting to get it because I don't wanna spend too much money. Zoya has such beautiful nail polish colours. Along with Jana, I'm planning on getting Lily and Breezi. Lily is this beautiful pale pink colour which is not as saturated so when I don't feel like wearing bright colours, I can wear Lily. Breezi is this bright sky blue-ish colour and I usually don't go for those kinds of colours but I really like this one. I also wanted to get Charla too but it's too shimmery. For some reason, my makeup preferences now has changed. I used to like shimmery but now I'm more of a matte person. Also, I used to like coloured makeup but I'm more natural/neutral now. I'm waiting until Black Friday comes to buy the Coastal Scents' "Metal Mania" palette. It has all the colours that I want and they're wearable. I also want half lashes. Well, I want to try them out. Oh, forgot! I really want that Naked palette from Urban Decay. Clarissa highly recommends it. It also costs me $48 so I have to hold off on that for a while...a long while.
Until I get a job, that is. I'll put some money in my savings account. Pay some of the loan debt. Give some to my mom to help pay some of the bill. Then maybe if I'm lucky, I'll actually have like $10 to spend however I want (food, basically). Anyway, that's when I get a job, which I hope is soon. ^_^
Before I sign off, I want to say this. Yes, I'm talking too much about a certain someone and yes, I will probably regret it a few months from now but this is what happens when I'm bored. A boyfriend is someone you have because you like them,
Maybe I'm thinking of all these excuses to have a boyfriend because my cousin's getting married next week. Finally, a cousin from one of my parents' side who's marrying because---. Well, I feel it's too mean to even mention so I'll keep that bit to myself.
Right now, I'm just too lost in this world. Once I get a job and get settled in that, maybe I'll find some of me. I'm just a hopeless lost girl who's finding trouble by thinking of things I shouldn't. Like suicide (which I'm an anti of but not to the extreme) and Leyda. I'm in no position to commit myself to a person and give him my whole heart/world BUT I am in the position where I'm willing to commit to a job. ^^ So right now, my two worries are my lack of being in a relationship and being unemployed. :*( I need a stable and secured life!
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15:30
