2011-08-17
♥ Batch of thoughts and unfocused mind
So this entry will not contain any whining or complaining about my life. Just a bunch of thoughts that I've been having these days.
1. I found out that my middle school best friend (that's back then. now we're just acquaintances) got married and then pregnant. While I'm happy for her, I'm also a bit sad/envious. She's the same age as me and she's already married and having a kid. It makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. I don't even have a relationship or any history of steady relationships. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get married and have kids.
2. The situation with Leyda is going whee! It's getting more confusing because on days when I don't talk to him, I don't think about him and on days I do talk to him, I like him. Sometimes I wonder if I really do like him. I mean, I like that he's ambitious and goal-orientated but is that the reason for my feelings for him? What are my feelings for him? Do I have any feelings for him? There's also the thing with his gf. So maybe the more I think about that, the less feeling I have for him? Maybe?
3. I am back to square one or whatever that is called. I'm still lost in this world. I have so many things I want and yet, I don't know what I want. Most of those things I want are materialistic. I want a new laptop, UD's Naked Palette, UD's 24/7 Eyeliner in Zero, etc. But those are not necessary...well, except the laptop part. I don't know about my stand on love. Do I believe in it? Do I want to? Or is it just some fabrication of the human emotion? There are times where I feel like I want to be in a relationship and those times are usually when I hear about acquaintances getting married (there are like 3 or 4 of them). Then there are times when I don't want to be in a relationship EVER. That's usually when I see things and think logically about life. I guess I crave a relationship because I see friends who are in them so happy and I'm so lonely. Oh, and kdramas are curses. Damn them!
4. I wonder when am I finally going to get a job. That's the biggest stress I have right now. People tell me that the economy's bad and that many people are getting laid off. But there are still people out there who have jobs and who are getting jobs. So will I be stuck here forever? I feel like such a loser and that's not a good feeling. I should remain optimistic but it's hard, you know. Now, every time I think about my past interviews, I just cringe. I'm an absolutely horrible interviewer. You would think that I would improve each time I go but I don't! I think it's because of the unexpected questions they throw at me. I keep telling myself that I would do better next time but I don't. It makes me so frustrated that I lack so much. Having a Bachelor's is really nothing without experience. It's a joke.
5. I'm the type of person that thinking constantly. Every waking moment, my mind is active. I'm not joking. Most of the time, I'm having conversations with myself because I have no one to talk to. It's non-stop thinking. I think of so many things to write in my blog but I end up not doing so because I'm lazy. I'm pretty sure even when I sleep, I'm still thinking about something. The sad thing is that most of them are so useless.
6. So I guess my final thoughts for this entry (because I will continue having them) are that I will not let myself be down from all these rejections, that I should be more logical now than emotional, and that I live not for other people but for myself. Since I don't like rejections (I mean, who does?), I'm going to have to start getting used to them because I will be getting a lot of rejections or silent ones from many of the jobs I apply to. I can't let that get to me. I can't let that ruin my life and put me into a depression (which I'm beginning to feel because I'm beginning to lose interest in things). I will also become more logical. As much as my heart wants to go loving someone, my mind knows that loving someone isn't necessarily a good thing. It's fatal. Plus, learning from my parents' marriage, I know that spending my whole life with one person isn't going to be some fairy tale; the reality is that there will be so many arguments and so much mistrust because I've never trusted any of my past bfs. Of course, it's because I'm insecure with myself, which is an additional reason why I should never seriously get involved with someone. If I do get involved or married, it will be to secure my future...because I don't believe in love for myself. Lastly, I live for myself. That's something I have to remember. Not for my parents, not for my brother, and not for guys I like. I don't want to change because people want me to; I want to change because I have to in order not to hurt those I love, like my family and friends.
1. I found out that my middle school best friend (that's back then. now we're just acquaintances) got married and then pregnant. While I'm happy for her, I'm also a bit sad/envious. She's the same age as me and she's already married and having a kid. It makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. I don't even have a relationship or any history of steady relationships. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get married and have kids.
2. The situation with Leyda is going whee! It's getting more confusing because on days when I don't talk to him, I don't think about him and on days I do talk to him, I like him. Sometimes I wonder if I really do like him. I mean, I like that he's ambitious and goal-orientated but is that the reason for my feelings for him? What are my feelings for him? Do I have any feelings for him? There's also the thing with his gf. So maybe the more I think about that, the less feeling I have for him? Maybe?
3. I am back to square one or whatever that is called. I'm still lost in this world. I have so many things I want and yet, I don't know what I want. Most of those things I want are materialistic. I want a new laptop, UD's Naked Palette, UD's 24/7 Eyeliner in Zero, etc. But those are not necessary...well, except the laptop part. I don't know about my stand on love. Do I believe in it? Do I want to? Or is it just some fabrication of the human emotion? There are times where I feel like I want to be in a relationship and those times are usually when I hear about acquaintances getting married (there are like 3 or 4 of them). Then there are times when I don't want to be in a relationship EVER. That's usually when I see things and think logically about life. I guess I crave a relationship because I see friends who are in them so happy and I'm so lonely. Oh, and kdramas are curses. Damn them!
4. I wonder when am I finally going to get a job. That's the biggest stress I have right now. People tell me that the economy's bad and that many people are getting laid off. But there are still people out there who have jobs and who are getting jobs. So will I be stuck here forever? I feel like such a loser and that's not a good feeling. I should remain optimistic but it's hard, you know. Now, every time I think about my past interviews, I just cringe. I'm an absolutely horrible interviewer. You would think that I would improve each time I go but I don't! I think it's because of the unexpected questions they throw at me. I keep telling myself that I would do better next time but I don't. It makes me so frustrated that I lack so much. Having a Bachelor's is really nothing without experience. It's a joke.
5. I'm the type of person that thinking constantly. Every waking moment, my mind is active. I'm not joking. Most of the time, I'm having conversations with myself because I have no one to talk to. It's non-stop thinking. I think of so many things to write in my blog but I end up not doing so because I'm lazy. I'm pretty sure even when I sleep, I'm still thinking about something. The sad thing is that most of them are so useless.
6. So I guess my final thoughts for this entry (because I will continue having them) are that I will not let myself be down from all these rejections, that I should be more logical now than emotional, and that I live not for other people but for myself. Since I don't like rejections (I mean, who does?), I'm going to have to start getting used to them because I will be getting a lot of rejections or silent ones from many of the jobs I apply to. I can't let that get to me. I can't let that ruin my life and put me into a depression (which I'm beginning to feel because I'm beginning to lose interest in things). I will also become more logical. As much as my heart wants to go loving someone, my mind knows that loving someone isn't necessarily a good thing. It's fatal. Plus, learning from my parents' marriage, I know that spending my whole life with one person isn't going to be some fairy tale; the reality is that there will be so many arguments and so much mistrust because I've never trusted any of my past bfs. Of course, it's because I'm insecure with myself, which is an additional reason why I should never seriously get involved with someone. If I do get involved or married, it will be to secure my future...because I don't believe in love for myself. Lastly, I live for myself. That's something I have to remember. Not for my parents, not for my brother, and not for guys I like. I don't want to change because people want me to; I want to change because I have to in order not to hurt those I love, like my family and friends.
01:22
