2011-10-13
♥ It's raining...
It's not raining yet but it's cloudy outside. The whole day passed in grey. -.- I really hate this type of weather because I become depressed easily. For some time now I haven't been. I've been focusing on doing well in my position and now that a month has passed, I'm getting more confident in my work. I didn't know whether or not to post this because it's really based only on how I feel today and I may regret it tomorrow but tomorrow is going to be raining too so I'm predicting my mood to continue like this. Also, it has to do with Leyda and Greg.
So here it goes...
I feel like I'm stuck again. I mean, yeah, my life finally moved forward a bit but now I'm stuck or at least it feels like that. Maybe it's because I hate waiting or I'm rushing too much. I'm currently happy with my job. I really like it and the people who works there. So I'm not complaining about work. I've been single for more than a year now because I wanted to focus on myself and because I didn't get any opportunity to meet people. Now that I feel a bit more confident about myself, I feel like I'm ready at least for dating. As I've mentioned tons of times, I like Leyda and Greg. More Greg because I see him at work. He's only been working for like 2-3 weeks? So I've known him for just that long and I guess it's not surprising that he doesn't have feelings for me. Heck, he may be dating someone and I wouldn't know. I don't know how you can ask someone if they're dating when you've known them for less than a year so I go on safe topics like school and whatever. But what got me thinking is although I'm only 24 years old and I've got a long life ahead of me, I don't want to be living life alone and not being able to share it with someone. I know, I probably have 10 more years before I seriously freak out about it. Actually, make that 5. But I feel like this is how the rest of my life's going to be. I'm not beautiful or pretty but I'm not hideous so I don't know why guys aren't attracted to me. Also, why is it that I end up liking guys who are so out of my league or so unavailable? Leyda's unavailable because he's got a girl. Greg is probably unavailable because who wouldn't like a guy like him? He's also so out of my league. He's good looking and I'm not. He's not going to be interested in someone who's not pretty and carries an emotional baggage. I just don't like how unfair life is sometimes. Because of my troublesome love life, I can't feel like my life is whole. I can't feel totally happy. I always think to myself, "Why can't a guy like Greg like someone like me?" Sure my thoughts aren't all pure and good but no one thinks 100% good. I'm just totally honest about my feelings. I really wonder sometimes whether my life now is due to something that happened before. I don't think I've ever done anything so atrocious that I have to continue feeling this way. Although I finally conquered one part of my life--that is, my unemployed past--I still feel beaten. People can say that life isn't fair, that we can't always get what we want, but there are people out there who have a good job, a good partner, a good life. Why can't I be one of those people? I started my past 2 relationships feeling insecure and they ended with me feeling even more insecure. My horoscope from yesterday told me to continue believing/hoping and that something good will come and today's told me to not expect good things to happen to me now but that they will come. I'm getting so frustrated because I've been waiting all this time. There's a reason why I stopped believing but continue hoping. It's draining so much of me. I'm really interested in people and I like asking them questions to learn more about them but why is it that no one's ever interested enough in me to ask me questions? I really do feel so unimportant in this world. Besides my friends, of course, who know me from the way I've acted and by the stories we shared, but I really wish that someone I like would actually take an interest in me and would want to know me instead of just judging from my looks (or lack of). I don't mind if they just want to be friends but no one ever takes the time to ask me what music I like, what I like to eat, or even how my week went. The last person who did ask me those questions was Fei who's not talking to me. I mean, really, is it too much to ask? Will I stay single forever and never find that missing part of my life? Will I never experience a total happiness? Will I always have to be envious of other people while I have nothing for other people to envious of? I don't want to always feel like I'm a failure with love. i want to be happy...like 100% happy.
Well, the only amazing thing is that as I was crying while writing this entry, my eye makeup stayed tight to my skin. Well, mostly...
So here it goes...
I feel like I'm stuck again. I mean, yeah, my life finally moved forward a bit but now I'm stuck or at least it feels like that. Maybe it's because I hate waiting or I'm rushing too much. I'm currently happy with my job. I really like it and the people who works there. So I'm not complaining about work. I've been single for more than a year now because I wanted to focus on myself and because I didn't get any opportunity to meet people. Now that I feel a bit more confident about myself, I feel like I'm ready at least for dating. As I've mentioned tons of times, I like Leyda and Greg. More Greg because I see him at work. He's only been working for like 2-3 weeks? So I've known him for just that long and I guess it's not surprising that he doesn't have feelings for me. Heck, he may be dating someone and I wouldn't know. I don't know how you can ask someone if they're dating when you've known them for less than a year so I go on safe topics like school and whatever. But what got me thinking is although I'm only 24 years old and I've got a long life ahead of me, I don't want to be living life alone and not being able to share it with someone. I know, I probably have 10 more years before I seriously freak out about it. Actually, make that 5. But I feel like this is how the rest of my life's going to be. I'm not beautiful or pretty but I'm not hideous so I don't know why guys aren't attracted to me. Also, why is it that I end up liking guys who are so out of my league or so unavailable? Leyda's unavailable because he's got a girl. Greg is probably unavailable because who wouldn't like a guy like him? He's also so out of my league. He's good looking and I'm not. He's not going to be interested in someone who's not pretty and carries an emotional baggage. I just don't like how unfair life is sometimes. Because of my troublesome love life, I can't feel like my life is whole. I can't feel totally happy. I always think to myself, "Why can't a guy like Greg like someone like me?" Sure my thoughts aren't all pure and good but no one thinks 100% good. I'm just totally honest about my feelings. I really wonder sometimes whether my life now is due to something that happened before. I don't think I've ever done anything so atrocious that I have to continue feeling this way. Although I finally conquered one part of my life--that is, my unemployed past--I still feel beaten. People can say that life isn't fair, that we can't always get what we want, but there are people out there who have a good job, a good partner, a good life. Why can't I be one of those people? I started my past 2 relationships feeling insecure and they ended with me feeling even more insecure. My horoscope from yesterday told me to continue believing/hoping and that something good will come and today's told me to not expect good things to happen to me now but that they will come. I'm getting so frustrated because I've been waiting all this time. There's a reason why I stopped believing but continue hoping. It's draining so much of me. I'm really interested in people and I like asking them questions to learn more about them but why is it that no one's ever interested enough in me to ask me questions? I really do feel so unimportant in this world. Besides my friends, of course, who know me from the way I've acted and by the stories we shared, but I really wish that someone I like would actually take an interest in me and would want to know me instead of just judging from my looks (or lack of). I don't mind if they just want to be friends but no one ever takes the time to ask me what music I like, what I like to eat, or even how my week went. The last person who did ask me those questions was Fei who's not talking to me. I mean, really, is it too much to ask? Will I stay single forever and never find that missing part of my life? Will I never experience a total happiness? Will I always have to be envious of other people while I have nothing for other people to envious of? I don't want to always feel like I'm a failure with love. i want to be happy...like 100% happy.
Well, the only amazing thing is that as I was crying while writing this entry, my eye makeup stayed tight to my skin. Well, mostly...
Labels: more
18:27
