2011-11-24
♥ Thanksgiving
I don't celebrate Thanksgiving besides having a turkey and I don't get my mom to buy it for Thanksgiving. It just gives me a reason to eat it. Lolz. So I hope those who do celebrate had a great day.
My brother came back at 9am this morning while I was asleep. I heard the door unlocking and thought it was my father doing who-knows-what early in the morn. But then I hear the door shutting again shortly after so I was wondering what was going on. Then in my hazy state, I remembered my bro say that he was coming back today so I got myself up to unslide the chain for him.
I had today off and just spent it at home, bumming around, talking a lot with my bro. His personality seemed to improved a lot this time around. Usually, he ignores us and does his own thing but for a majority of the day, he helped my mom with the antenna problem and also asking his friends about buying the MacBook Pro. That last bit was for me. I decided to buy it because I've been waiting for more than a year for it and Black Friday seems like the perfect day to buy it. So I own my parents more money, which doesn't make sense because in the end, the money comes back to me. See, a lot of people think I may be really cruel thinking that way, but it's a fact. It's not like they're going to live forever and I will be sad when that time comes. I'm not heartless; I'm just thinking way too ahead.
I think of myself as a complex person. You would think that someone who's very emotional wouldn't have much rational thought but I do. There are times when I'm overwhelmed by my emotions and there are times where I'm rational about things. Maybe it happens to everyone but I haven't met someone who can think the way I do. My friends think that the way I think sometimes is too harsh. Ever since I've graduated, I've become more and more rational in my thoughts. But I'm also still a person of emotions. I always let it run me over when I start liking a guy. Well, then again, there are some times where it doesn't.
Anyway, I was showering when I was thinking about that. For the past few days, I let my emotions get the better of me and I want it to stop again. I hate myself when I'm in that state. For me, it's a vulnerability. I've been there many times before and I've gotten hurt many times. I don't want to go there. I don't want to obsess over why guys are bastards and all that. I've thought to myself many times that relationships are overrated and then wonder why I'm obsessed with that. I think I may have found the answer while showering. I've basically succeeded somewhat in almost all parts of my life. I've graduated (though not with good grades) from college and I've finally got a good job, thanks to several people. I haven't committed or even attempted suicide, which is a huge accomplishment for me since I've thought about it for years. I've finally gotten over my depression (not clinical). I'm basically surviving the life I had before, which still left a scar in my heart, but I'm alive and I think that's what is important.
However, the one part of my life that I constantly failed at is the romantic one. It may not seem like a big deal to some people but not ever having experienced a relationship that lasted long makes me feel incomplete. Although my relationship with Roger almost last 5 months or whatever, it wasn't successful at all because I don't think I've ever loved him. It was a rebound relationship and I didn't realize it at the time. Rebound relationships are never successful. So thinking about it, I've never experienced a relationship. I must've loved Taehwan but there was something missing. Thinking back on it, I don't think our relationship could have continued for long. We had different interests and perspective on our relationship. It really was good while it lasted but I guess in the end, I'm glad that it ended the way it did or else I would have felt much regret. But right now, I think I'm getting a grasp of who I am and where I want to go in life. Basically, the difference is that I'm more confident of myself. Whereas before I was so lost in life, right now I'm settling in a place, a place that allows me to grow. I know that the most important person in my life is myself and the person I need to make happy is me. I like Greg and it's because he's such a good looking guy who's not bad at all, I think. But he's not a person to care much about me. If liking him makes me unhappy, then I should switch over to the more rational side of me, right?
My brother came back at 9am this morning while I was asleep. I heard the door unlocking and thought it was my father doing who-knows-what early in the morn. But then I hear the door shutting again shortly after so I was wondering what was going on. Then in my hazy state, I remembered my bro say that he was coming back today so I got myself up to unslide the chain for him.
I had today off and just spent it at home, bumming around, talking a lot with my bro. His personality seemed to improved a lot this time around. Usually, he ignores us and does his own thing but for a majority of the day, he helped my mom with the antenna problem and also asking his friends about buying the MacBook Pro. That last bit was for me. I decided to buy it because I've been waiting for more than a year for it and Black Friday seems like the perfect day to buy it. So I own my parents more money, which doesn't make sense because in the end, the money comes back to me. See, a lot of people think I may be really cruel thinking that way, but it's a fact. It's not like they're going to live forever and I will be sad when that time comes. I'm not heartless; I'm just thinking way too ahead.
I think of myself as a complex person. You would think that someone who's very emotional wouldn't have much rational thought but I do. There are times when I'm overwhelmed by my emotions and there are times where I'm rational about things. Maybe it happens to everyone but I haven't met someone who can think the way I do. My friends think that the way I think sometimes is too harsh. Ever since I've graduated, I've become more and more rational in my thoughts. But I'm also still a person of emotions. I always let it run me over when I start liking a guy. Well, then again, there are some times where it doesn't.
Anyway, I was showering when I was thinking about that. For the past few days, I let my emotions get the better of me and I want it to stop again. I hate myself when I'm in that state. For me, it's a vulnerability. I've been there many times before and I've gotten hurt many times. I don't want to go there. I don't want to obsess over why guys are bastards and all that. I've thought to myself many times that relationships are overrated and then wonder why I'm obsessed with that. I think I may have found the answer while showering. I've basically succeeded somewhat in almost all parts of my life. I've graduated (though not with good grades) from college and I've finally got a good job, thanks to several people. I haven't committed or even attempted suicide, which is a huge accomplishment for me since I've thought about it for years. I've finally gotten over my depression (not clinical). I'm basically surviving the life I had before, which still left a scar in my heart, but I'm alive and I think that's what is important.
However, the one part of my life that I constantly failed at is the romantic one. It may not seem like a big deal to some people but not ever having experienced a relationship that lasted long makes me feel incomplete. Although my relationship with Roger almost last 5 months or whatever, it wasn't successful at all because I don't think I've ever loved him. It was a rebound relationship and I didn't realize it at the time. Rebound relationships are never successful. So thinking about it, I've never experienced a relationship. I must've loved Taehwan but there was something missing. Thinking back on it, I don't think our relationship could have continued for long. We had different interests and perspective on our relationship. It really was good while it lasted but I guess in the end, I'm glad that it ended the way it did or else I would have felt much regret. But right now, I think I'm getting a grasp of who I am and where I want to go in life. Basically, the difference is that I'm more confident of myself. Whereas before I was so lost in life, right now I'm settling in a place, a place that allows me to grow. I know that the most important person in my life is myself and the person I need to make happy is me. I like Greg and it's because he's such a good looking guy who's not bad at all, I think. But he's not a person to care much about me. If liking him makes me unhappy, then I should switch over to the more rational side of me, right?
21:26
