2012-02-22
♥ My lifetime's last melodrama
Before I go into my entry, I forgot to mention last time that I bought Murad's shampoo and conditioner. I also bought UD's eyeliner in Perversion. I have only used Murad's shampoo and conditioner twice: yesterday and today. So far, I think it's not doing any good to my head...and hair. I'm losing more hair because of the way I'm handling the shampoo and conditioner! I'm just going to use that once a week because it's ridiculous how I have to wait a minute and 3 minutes before I can rinse. The eyeliner...is the same as my jumbo liner. So basically I paid 50% more for the same kind of quality. The problem I have with most liners is that the liner at the end corners of my eyes tend to disappear before midday. I was hoping the UD's 24/7 liners would stay put but it didn't. It disappeared too. -.-" Well, at least now I know.
I've been annoyed the whole day by something. I remember mentioning how I tend to put on a certain "face" when I'm with different people. When I'm with friends, I'm different from how I am with my parents. Same thing goes for meeting new people. When I meet new people, I give off the wrong impression. I don't mean that I put on a bad one (although sometimes that does happen) but I do tend to be a whole lot different from the way I usually am. One of the things I tend to do is come off as nicer than how I really am...and probably a bit sweeter and that's because I'm shy. I am nice...just not as nice as my friends...But yeah. Anyway, I also said that because I keep having these different personalities that I actually no longer know which one is the real me. Today, while I was on the bus on the way home, I realized that maybe that's the real me, not having just one personality. Maybe having all these different "faces" IS the real me. With Maggie, since she has such a mature personality, I came off as immature but I'm not. I mean, I am a bit but I know I'm not totally immature. With my exes, I tend to be more submissive, which in reality, I am so not (just ask my mom). With Chung, I try to appear more happy than I really am. With Victor...well, he knows me the best. I can't really act in front of him but nowadays, I try to appear more happier so that he doesn't have to worry. I worried him too much in the past. The fact that he's still talking to me is what makes him my best bff. Am I actually a weak person or am I stronger than I think I am? Am I a happy person pretending to be sad or a sad person pretending to be happy? Is the world really as bad as it is or am I projecting my own unhappiness onto it? There's a blurry line between what's real and what's not that I confuse myself a lot. I can't tell if the thoughts I have are genuinely mine or it belongs to an alter ego of mine. I just hope one day, I can find a "face" that's the real me. I'm almost losing my mind just thinking about this.
The real reason why I'm writing this entry is so that I can say goodbye. I'm not dying. I have no intentions of doing that...yet. I always believe that I wouldn't live long. It's been a little over 6 months since I started this blog, I think. I realized that a lot of things has happened since. There were a lot of things that I didn't write about, a lot of thoughts left behind in my mind. There were a lot of times when I was stressed by what I wrote and didn't write. Also, throughout the day, my mind is spinning with so many ideas and so many thoughts and writing a blog really doesn't help with that. I was hoping that I can read what I wrote back then but...will that really help? I don't feel like I've changed because of the blog. Therefore, I decided to just stop. If I really need to write out what I have on my mind, I'll just do it the old-fashioned way: writing it in a journal or whatever.
Before I leave, I wanted to post up some pics of myself because this is going to be the last time writing here (and because I need a new fb pic =) ) and under it will be the lyrics to one of Big Bang's new song from their upcoming album "Alive". It's called "Blue" and I love the lyrics. There are two parts or so that I like and I'll highlight them.
I've been annoyed the whole day by something. I remember mentioning how I tend to put on a certain "face" when I'm with different people. When I'm with friends, I'm different from how I am with my parents. Same thing goes for meeting new people. When I meet new people, I give off the wrong impression. I don't mean that I put on a bad one (although sometimes that does happen) but I do tend to be a whole lot different from the way I usually am. One of the things I tend to do is come off as nicer than how I really am...and probably a bit sweeter and that's because I'm shy. I am nice...just not as nice as my friends...But yeah. Anyway, I also said that because I keep having these different personalities that I actually no longer know which one is the real me. Today, while I was on the bus on the way home, I realized that maybe that's the real me, not having just one personality. Maybe having all these different "faces" IS the real me. With Maggie, since she has such a mature personality, I came off as immature but I'm not. I mean, I am a bit but I know I'm not totally immature. With my exes, I tend to be more submissive, which in reality, I am so not (just ask my mom). With Chung, I try to appear more happy than I really am. With Victor...well, he knows me the best. I can't really act in front of him but nowadays, I try to appear more happier so that he doesn't have to worry. I worried him too much in the past. The fact that he's still talking to me is what makes him my best bff. Am I actually a weak person or am I stronger than I think I am? Am I a happy person pretending to be sad or a sad person pretending to be happy? Is the world really as bad as it is or am I projecting my own unhappiness onto it? There's a blurry line between what's real and what's not that I confuse myself a lot. I can't tell if the thoughts I have are genuinely mine or it belongs to an alter ego of mine. I just hope one day, I can find a "face" that's the real me. I'm almost losing my mind just thinking about this.
The real reason why I'm writing this entry is so that I can say goodbye. I'm not dying. I have no intentions of doing that...yet. I always believe that I wouldn't live long. It's been a little over 6 months since I started this blog, I think. I realized that a lot of things has happened since. There were a lot of things that I didn't write about, a lot of thoughts left behind in my mind. There were a lot of times when I was stressed by what I wrote and didn't write. Also, throughout the day, my mind is spinning with so many ideas and so many thoughts and writing a blog really doesn't help with that. I was hoping that I can read what I wrote back then but...will that really help? I don't feel like I've changed because of the blog. Therefore, I decided to just stop. If I really need to write out what I have on my mind, I'll just do it the old-fashioned way: writing it in a journal or whatever.
Before I leave, I wanted to post up some pics of myself because this is going to be the last time writing here (and because I need a new fb pic =) ) and under it will be the lyrics to one of Big Bang's new song from their upcoming album "Alive". It's called "Blue" and I love the lyrics. There are two parts or so that I like and I'll highlight them.
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| Unsure of what to do... |
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| Hat's off |
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| V-shaped face, yeah~ |
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| 안녕~ 뿅~! |
I am such a cam whore. I haven't taken any selcas in such a long time and I end up taking like 20 pics of myself. >.<" Anyway, here's "Blue" by Big Bang:
겨울이 가고 봄이 찾아오죠 우린 시들고
그리움 속에 맘이 멍들었죠
그리움 속에 맘이 멍들었죠
(I’m singing my blues) 파란 눈물에 파란 슬픔에 길들여져
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
같은 하늘 다른 곳 너와나 위험하니까 너에게서 떠나주는 거야
님이란 글자에 점하나 비겁하지만 내가 못나 숨는 거야
잔인한 이별은 사랑의 末路(말로) 그 어떤 말도 위로 될 수는 없다고
아마 내 인생의 마지막 멜로 막이 내려오네요 이제
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
같은 하늘 다른 곳 너와나 위험하니까 너에게서 떠나주는 거야
님이란 글자에 점하나 비겁하지만 내가 못나 숨는 거야
잔인한 이별은 사랑의 末路(말로) 그 어떤 말도 위로 될 수는 없다고
아마 내 인생의 마지막 멜로 막이 내려오네요 이제
태어나서 널 만나고 죽을 만큼 사랑하고
파랗게 물들어 시린 내 마음 눈을 감아도 널 느낄 수 없잖아
파랗게 물들어 시린 내 마음 눈을 감아도 널 느낄 수 없잖아
겨울이 가고 봄이 찾아오죠 우린 시들고
그리움 속에 맘이 멍들었죠
그리움 속에 맘이 멍들었죠
(I’m singing my blues) 파란 눈물에 파란 슬픔에 길들여져
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
심장이 멎은 것 만 같아 전쟁이 끝나고 그 곳에 얼어 붙은 너와나
내 머릿속 새겨진 Trauma 이 눈물 마르면 촉촉히 기억하리 내 사랑
괴롭지도 외롭지도 않아 행복은 다 혼잣말 그 이상에 복잡한 건 못 참아
대수롭지 아무렇지도 않아 별수없는 방황 사람들은 왔다 간다
내 머릿속 새겨진 Trauma 이 눈물 마르면 촉촉히 기억하리 내 사랑
괴롭지도 외롭지도 않아 행복은 다 혼잣말 그 이상에 복잡한 건 못 참아
대수롭지 아무렇지도 않아 별수없는 방황 사람들은 왔다 간다
태어나서 널 만나고 죽을 만큼 사랑하고
파랗게 물들어 시린 내 마음 너는 떠나도 난 그대로 있잖아
파랗게 물들어 시린 내 마음 너는 떠나도 난 그대로 있잖아
겨울이 가고 봄이 찾아오죠 우린 시들고
그리움 속에 맘이 멍들었죠
그리움 속에 맘이 멍들었죠
오늘도 파란 저 달빛아래에 나 홀로 잠이 들겠죠
꿈속에서도 난 그대를 찾아 헤매이며 이 노래를 불러요
꿈속에서도 난 그대를 찾아 헤매이며 이 노래를 불러요
(I’m singing my blues) 파란 눈물에 파란 슬픔에 길들여져
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
(I’m singing my blues) 파란 눈물에 파란 슬픔에 길들여져
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
(I’m singing my blues) 파란 눈물에 파란 슬픔에 길들여져
(I’m singing my blues) 뜬구름에 날려보낸 사랑 oh oh
There you go. And here I go.
21:26
