2011-09-30
♥ TGIF!
Well, I just completed my third week at work and I'm really enjoying
it. I actually found myself liking it more...well, except for all the
trainings. =.= I find the CTO staff trainings useless for me since I
don't even deal with patients. I also will be starting another kind of
training for the CRDB. Can't complain about those since my sv arranged
for those. I think. Not really sure now... But the CTO staff trainings
are irrelevant to my current position. I also learned it during my GCP
certification courses. I actually find them a waste of time because I'm
really anxious about doing well in this position and I think my sv wants
me to finish doing 30 data entries a day like soon. Also, I really want
to do well in the annual performance review, although I'm not sure if I
will be getting any for this year since I just started working.
OH! And good news. There's a new guy working there named Greg and he is SO good looking. =) Except he works there part-time on M, W, and Th so I won't get to see him much...and he works at the back of the kitchen area...I'm sad now. It's also not likely we'll get to talk much and since I'm not pretty...I'm depressing myself again. -.- I heard he's planning on doing this for a year because he's taking time off of school. So bummer.
This morning I finally got paid through direct deposit and yes, it feels so good. :) Can't wait for 2 weeks later. I took out $200 to give to my mom and I was trying to pay off my loan but I couldn't. So I will have to wait until my next pay comes out to pay. Well, I have nothing against that since I will pay the same amount. I just don't like having to pay the interest. I really wished I kept track of the balance earlier. Me and my stupidity. Endless. Oh well. Since I can't do much anyway, might as well treat myself to a Naked Palette. =) Urban Decay, yo.
I actually have UD's 24/7 liquid liner in Perversion. I finally bought it after all this time. Well, originally I wanted to get the pencil itself but then I remembered that they had the liquid liner out and was contemplating on which to get. I ended up getting the liquid liner because 1) I have oily lids so I didn't know whether or not pencil could hold but I definitely knew the liquid liner would, and 2) the cashier told me that both are really good but that the liquid liner will win out. They're both the same price so what the heck? I also bought a waterproof eye makeup remover. I really don't like how waterproof eye makeup removers actually leave this greasy feeling behind but since the CoverGirl LashBlast mascara is so difficult to remove without the oil substance, I have to buy them. Also, I've been using Neutrogena's eye makeup remover and I really do like it but sometimes I feel like it doesn't take all of the mascara off so I just bought Sephora's brand to try. Plus, it was only $10 and for a good amount to last me a while.
Since I haven't tried out the remover, I can't say whether or not it's good. I did try out the liner for one day and I will write a short review next time when I actually have pics to show. I actually want to wait til I get the Naked Palette (hopefully next week) to do all the reviews. It'll give me time to test out the liner in different ways, the palette, and I'm hoping to run out of my Neutrogene eye makeup remover soon. I still have some left and no, I have no intent of wasting it so I haven't soaked my cotton balls completely just so that I can finish it up sooner. But I have to say that it'll last me probably another 2 weeks because although I don't wear eyeshadow to work nowadays (because I'm super lazy), I do wear mascara and eyeliner. They are necessary. :) I'm also waiting to waste my mascara so I can buy Fairydrops' mascara. So I will not put in a review for my makeup purchases until then.
Ah, a short update on my situation with Leyda. Since I started working, I haven't talked to him much. My feelings are less intense but they're not gone. Even though there's a new cute guy at work, I still like Leyda. 3 months now. Sigh. But it's not like I expect us to get together anyway. Still, I like him. Every time I talk to him, I'm left thinking, "Stupid guy..." but in a good way. :) Anyway, I don't feel guilty for looking at other guys so I guess it's all good. But of course, when you like someone, you're always hoping for more. If I had to find my position between hoping and realistic, I'm more on the realistic side. Yes, I am hoping for more but I'm much more realistic about my current position in his life...which amounts to not much.
I'm tired so bye.
OH! And good news. There's a new guy working there named Greg and he is SO good looking. =) Except he works there part-time on M, W, and Th so I won't get to see him much...and he works at the back of the kitchen area...I'm sad now. It's also not likely we'll get to talk much and since I'm not pretty...I'm depressing myself again. -.- I heard he's planning on doing this for a year because he's taking time off of school. So bummer.
This morning I finally got paid through direct deposit and yes, it feels so good. :) Can't wait for 2 weeks later. I took out $200 to give to my mom and I was trying to pay off my loan but I couldn't. So I will have to wait until my next pay comes out to pay. Well, I have nothing against that since I will pay the same amount. I just don't like having to pay the interest. I really wished I kept track of the balance earlier. Me and my stupidity. Endless. Oh well. Since I can't do much anyway, might as well treat myself to a Naked Palette. =) Urban Decay, yo.
I actually have UD's 24/7 liquid liner in Perversion. I finally bought it after all this time. Well, originally I wanted to get the pencil itself but then I remembered that they had the liquid liner out and was contemplating on which to get. I ended up getting the liquid liner because 1) I have oily lids so I didn't know whether or not pencil could hold but I definitely knew the liquid liner would, and 2) the cashier told me that both are really good but that the liquid liner will win out. They're both the same price so what the heck? I also bought a waterproof eye makeup remover. I really don't like how waterproof eye makeup removers actually leave this greasy feeling behind but since the CoverGirl LashBlast mascara is so difficult to remove without the oil substance, I have to buy them. Also, I've been using Neutrogena's eye makeup remover and I really do like it but sometimes I feel like it doesn't take all of the mascara off so I just bought Sephora's brand to try. Plus, it was only $10 and for a good amount to last me a while.
Since I haven't tried out the remover, I can't say whether or not it's good. I did try out the liner for one day and I will write a short review next time when I actually have pics to show. I actually want to wait til I get the Naked Palette (hopefully next week) to do all the reviews. It'll give me time to test out the liner in different ways, the palette, and I'm hoping to run out of my Neutrogene eye makeup remover soon. I still have some left and no, I have no intent of wasting it so I haven't soaked my cotton balls completely just so that I can finish it up sooner. But I have to say that it'll last me probably another 2 weeks because although I don't wear eyeshadow to work nowadays (because I'm super lazy), I do wear mascara and eyeliner. They are necessary. :) I'm also waiting to waste my mascara so I can buy Fairydrops' mascara. So I will not put in a review for my makeup purchases until then.
Ah, a short update on my situation with Leyda. Since I started working, I haven't talked to him much. My feelings are less intense but they're not gone. Even though there's a new cute guy at work, I still like Leyda. 3 months now. Sigh. But it's not like I expect us to get together anyway. Still, I like him. Every time I talk to him, I'm left thinking, "Stupid guy..." but in a good way. :) Anyway, I don't feel guilty for looking at other guys so I guess it's all good. But of course, when you like someone, you're always hoping for more. If I had to find my position between hoping and realistic, I'm more on the realistic side. Yes, I am hoping for more but I'm much more realistic about my current position in his life...which amounts to not much.
I'm tired so bye.
23:52
2011-09-17
♥ First week complete!
So I have completed my first week of work and a day of classes. On Weds, I went in expecting an orientation but instead, I was shown to my desk, get familiar with the area, and sign up for whatever password and accounts I needed to. I was quite happy to have a desk for own and a desktop with not 1 but 2 monitors! Yay! I met my co-workers and the one I'll be working with. My supervisor wasn't available that day so I was on my own with MSK's training. What it is is basically lots of computer-based training where I read policies regarding patient information, research data, and other work-related policies. I also learned at the end of the day that I basically had a 1-hr break, separated into a 15-min break in the morning, 30-min break for lunch, and a 15-min break for the afternoon. However, I can just combine all those into a 1-hr lunch break. Unfortunately, I have no one to have lunch with around my area so no point in doing so.
On Thurs, I continued my training, packing my brain with info. My supervisor came in the afternoon and gave me the orientation and a short training session. He was really nice and cool about everything, but...how should I say this...He gave me additional pressure to do well in my position. Usually, I'm not good with packing that much info into my brain but I guess I'll have to find a method because from here til the end of the year, I have to show an exceptional performance. That's a whole lot of stress for me because I seriously want to do well in my position. I really love the benefits that MSK gives and the position is where all my foundation will be built so that I can do well later on in the future should I change position.
On Friday, it was pretty much the same pattern. My supervisor gave me a longer training session and this time, my head was about to explode. I'll explain that. Earlier, I was doing a ton of MSK training. One of them was like an online course. There was so much material to read and after each section, I will have to take a short quiz. So imagine me reading one section, taking the quiz, reading another section, and taking the quiz for that. That's a whole lot of info to read. As time passes, I can't remember much from the current section I'm reading to answer the quiz questions accurately. Luckily, the quizzes kept getting shorter. I'm still not even halfway done with that and I have another online course type of training to do. T.T Then right after, without any break, I had that training session with my supervisor (sv). Honestly, I couldn't keep up with him because my head was about to explode at that point. I'm sure if I had a little break before I went into the training session, I may have done better. In fact, if I didn't need to do those trainings, I would have done better.
Today was my first day of paralegal classes...I really wasn't happy. Not because it wasn't what I was expecting but rather...the classmates. Not all of them, of course. But there was this woman who was SUPER annoying. These were classes, not a social gathering, and she kept bringing her own personal experiences that were not relevant into the classroom. I was sitting in my seat thinking, "Who the fuck cares about your life?" There were too many instances of her annoyance but my brain is in a muddy mood so I can't even remember those exact instances. The professor, who taught both classes today, was an okay professor. He seemed like he knew his material and I'm pretty sure he's a great professor. Unfortunately, he cracks really lame jokes. I did laugh a bit at a few but they were mostly like "Am...I...supposed..to...laugh?" It's like wtf moment. I'm the type of person who laughs easily and I laugh for most jokes told by my friend and on TV. The fact that I didn't laugh for most of his jokes meant it was seriously not cool or funny. The fact that there was a small audience laughing at those jokes most of the time he told them tells me that they have a lame sense of humor. So not a good day. I wasn't tired enough not to get the jokes because I did get them...they just weren't funny.
Oh and another anecdote from today. So my professor didn't know that there was only one class starting tomorrow, because the morning class is going to start next Sunday. So he was surprised and asked the class why that was so and one girl went and said, "Maybe because the class ends later than the others?" How retarded is she? Dude, class ends later because the class started later. He's asking for the cause of the effect, you bimbo. If class starting later is the cause for the class ending later, then what's the cause of the class starting later? That's what the professor was asking for! I'm not saying that all my classmates were annoying or stupid but it's enough when the ones that speak the most in class ARE the annoying and/or senseless ones.
So I decided to just withdraw from the program. Actually I was planning on just withdrawing from the Sunday ones but thinking it over, I decided to just withdraw from the whole program instead. The reasons are: 1. I'm already so tired as it is from working so I have a much harder time focusing in two boring classes and I lack energy to think. Waking up at 7 15am every morning is already hard enough, but 6am?! I thought I was in hell when I woke; 2. since I just started working, I really want to focus on work and the training so I don't get fired. To do that, I can't be distracted by thoughts such as, "OMG, I forgot to study last night" or "I have a paper to write" or "EXAM!!!" I can't take that much stress!; and 3. although I had interest in paralegal, it seems it wasn't as strong as my interest in science so I will continue on my scientific path instead. I lost interest in paralegal as soon as I started working. So I will write an email and a fax to withdraw. I'll have to call them to make sure they receive it coz they don't reply fast enough. Dumb people. -.-"
Since I had a pretty good week despite my brain overwhelmed with facts, I will not discuss my problems with Fei and Victor. I sure have a lot of things to say about them but instead of ruining this happy entry with negative comments about their personalities and my own, I shall end it here! Good night~ Peace!...to the world~
Today was my first day of paralegal classes...I really wasn't happy. Not because it wasn't what I was expecting but rather...the classmates. Not all of them, of course. But there was this woman who was SUPER annoying. These were classes, not a social gathering, and she kept bringing her own personal experiences that were not relevant into the classroom. I was sitting in my seat thinking, "Who the fuck cares about your life?" There were too many instances of her annoyance but my brain is in a muddy mood so I can't even remember those exact instances. The professor, who taught both classes today, was an okay professor. He seemed like he knew his material and I'm pretty sure he's a great professor. Unfortunately, he cracks really lame jokes. I did laugh a bit at a few but they were mostly like "Am...I...supposed..to...laugh?" It's like wtf moment. I'm the type of person who laughs easily and I laugh for most jokes told by my friend and on TV. The fact that I didn't laugh for most of his jokes meant it was seriously not cool or funny. The fact that there was a small audience laughing at those jokes most of the time he told them tells me that they have a lame sense of humor. So not a good day. I wasn't tired enough not to get the jokes because I did get them...they just weren't funny.
Oh and another anecdote from today. So my professor didn't know that there was only one class starting tomorrow, because the morning class is going to start next Sunday. So he was surprised and asked the class why that was so and one girl went and said, "Maybe because the class ends later than the others?" How retarded is she? Dude, class ends later because the class started later. He's asking for the cause of the effect, you bimbo. If class starting later is the cause for the class ending later, then what's the cause of the class starting later? That's what the professor was asking for! I'm not saying that all my classmates were annoying or stupid but it's enough when the ones that speak the most in class ARE the annoying and/or senseless ones.
So I decided to just withdraw from the program. Actually I was planning on just withdrawing from the Sunday ones but thinking it over, I decided to just withdraw from the whole program instead. The reasons are: 1. I'm already so tired as it is from working so I have a much harder time focusing in two boring classes and I lack energy to think. Waking up at 7 15am every morning is already hard enough, but 6am?! I thought I was in hell when I woke; 2. since I just started working, I really want to focus on work and the training so I don't get fired. To do that, I can't be distracted by thoughts such as, "OMG, I forgot to study last night" or "I have a paper to write" or "EXAM!!!" I can't take that much stress!; and 3. although I had interest in paralegal, it seems it wasn't as strong as my interest in science so I will continue on my scientific path instead. I lost interest in paralegal as soon as I started working. So I will write an email and a fax to withdraw. I'll have to call them to make sure they receive it coz they don't reply fast enough. Dumb people. -.-"
Since I had a pretty good week despite my brain overwhelmed with facts, I will not discuss my problems with Fei and Victor. I sure have a lot of things to say about them but instead of ruining this happy entry with negative comments about their personalities and my own, I shall end it here! Good night~ Peace!...to the world~
22:35
2011-09-13
♥ Roller coaster
Yeseterday and today, I had my orientation for new employees. Tomorrow, I will have the orientation for my department. I'm guessing that's when I finally get to use a computer to get my login ID and password for the company. Although I haven't started working yet, however, I already am loving it. The benefits are great and I can't wait to use them! I can't yet because I don't have my login ID or password...For the past two days, I had to interact with other new employees and I did not fail myself; I totally was like a crab there. I really wasn't outgoing or social and I showed not much initiative unless I was forced to. ><" How am I going to survive? I realized that at home, with friends, and at a work environment, I have different personalities. I was hoping to be more gregarious...but I wasn't much. I keep disappointing myself...Then again, I don't think I'll see them again.
Victor's birthday is coming up soon and he told me to plan a dinner. I'm pretty sure I said a few days ago that I will never plan something like this again. Good thing it's not a large group I have to plan for. READ MORE BELOW...I invited Leyda, hoping that he'll come since it's Vic's bday. But he has to go to a friend's party. I'm sure he's not doing this on purpose but...I didn't get to see him much. I mean, when we went to the bar, I didn't look at him much because I know if I do that, then he'll know that I kind of like him. If I knew this was going to happen, I would have watched him more. I had two opportunities to see him but they end up being no-no's. One was when I wanted to have dinner for getting a job but he had an exam to study for. Now, Vic's bday. It seemed like he was upset that Vic doesn't plan things on his own bday...or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Whatever the case, another opportunity lost for me.
I was also thinking of my reaction now. I mean, if I was his gf, would I still react this way...or worse? After that thought, my mind suddenly reverted to its logical state. Since he wants a gf that would give him his freedom/independence (and apparently, the horoscope says that same thiing), I have to be less upset by these things. Of course, I'm not his gf but it's still a learning experience for my future bf. I mean, what if he turns out to be like him...or another Aquarius? Which is like the same because they both like adventure and independence. So although it's fun to think of myself as his gf, I know it's just a thought, but then if I had a bf like him, then I'll know how to deal with the emotions. Then again, will I ever have a bf again? Will I go through the same crap I did last two relationships?
Anyway, although Vic's a mutual friend of ours, I can't even ask him questions about Leyda. It sucks because I want to know more about Leyda. All I know is his online personality and that doesn't say much. Although I had given up hope of him liking me, I still like him...a lot. It's also been about 3 months now. I did like a guy before for like 1.5yrs? So I consider it short...but frustrating. Not with him but with the whole situation and with me. I really want to say to him, "I love you, you stupid." Ha, that's funny. I don't know. Fei said he thinks it's love coz I've been having a one-sided crush on this guy for 3 months already. But love is a two-way street you know? It takes one to like, two to love. That's how I think of it.
By the way, Fei is mad at me and I thought it was because I gave him a horrible attitude due to me reading something incorrectly but Vic said it was because of a comment I made at a Japanese market we went to on my celebratory dinner day. I don't remember though. I've been trying to talk to him but he wouldn't respond. It makes me feel bad because that night I wasn't in a chirpy mood and I was tired. Add negative thinking to that and you get a bad Jana. I hope he'll come around soon and we could have dinner with Vic together.
Victor's birthday is coming up soon and he told me to plan a dinner. I'm pretty sure I said a few days ago that I will never plan something like this again. Good thing it's not a large group I have to plan for. READ MORE BELOW...I invited Leyda, hoping that he'll come since it's Vic's bday. But he has to go to a friend's party. I'm sure he's not doing this on purpose but...I didn't get to see him much. I mean, when we went to the bar, I didn't look at him much because I know if I do that, then he'll know that I kind of like him. If I knew this was going to happen, I would have watched him more. I had two opportunities to see him but they end up being no-no's. One was when I wanted to have dinner for getting a job but he had an exam to study for. Now, Vic's bday. It seemed like he was upset that Vic doesn't plan things on his own bday...or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Whatever the case, another opportunity lost for me.
I was also thinking of my reaction now. I mean, if I was his gf, would I still react this way...or worse? After that thought, my mind suddenly reverted to its logical state. Since he wants a gf that would give him his freedom/independence (and apparently, the horoscope says that same thiing), I have to be less upset by these things. Of course, I'm not his gf but it's still a learning experience for my future bf. I mean, what if he turns out to be like him...or another Aquarius? Which is like the same because they both like adventure and independence. So although it's fun to think of myself as his gf, I know it's just a thought, but then if I had a bf like him, then I'll know how to deal with the emotions. Then again, will I ever have a bf again? Will I go through the same crap I did last two relationships?
Anyway, although Vic's a mutual friend of ours, I can't even ask him questions about Leyda. It sucks because I want to know more about Leyda. All I know is his online personality and that doesn't say much. Although I had given up hope of him liking me, I still like him...a lot. It's also been about 3 months now. I did like a guy before for like 1.5yrs? So I consider it short...but frustrating. Not with him but with the whole situation and with me. I really want to say to him, "I love you, you stupid." Ha, that's funny. I don't know. Fei said he thinks it's love coz I've been having a one-sided crush on this guy for 3 months already. But love is a two-way street you know? It takes one to like, two to love. That's how I think of it.
By the way, Fei is mad at me and I thought it was because I gave him a horrible attitude due to me reading something incorrectly but Vic said it was because of a comment I made at a Japanese market we went to on my celebratory dinner day. I don't remember though. I've been trying to talk to him but he wouldn't respond. It makes me feel bad because that night I wasn't in a chirpy mood and I was tired. Add negative thinking to that and you get a bad Jana. I hope he'll come around soon and we could have dinner with Vic together.
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22:52
2011-09-08
♥ Employed! ^_^
Yesterday, I went for my physical and pre-employment processing for MSK. It was a lot of fun. I got my blood drawn out, got a bubble test, found out my blood pressure's a tiny bit higher than usual, and I was less than 100lbs. I have to go back tomorrow for the reading and to show them my immunization record...so that I don't need to take additional tests. I'm actually not happy about the weight though. Unlike other girls, I rather weigh above 100lbs. Not too much of course but just above. The pre-employment processing was fun too. I just gave in the forms I filled out the night before and also filled out other forms, including a confirmation of employment form. :D Which means I'm officially employed. ^_^ Yahoo! I just need to get my ID and I'm done. Next Monday and Tuesday, I have orientation. Then on Wednesday, I have an orientation at my department...which I still don't know what it is. Like the official name of it, I mean.
In the meantime, I'm just doing whatever the hell I like. Also...I'm still in the beginning process of giving up on Leyda....It's harder than I thought. Just the other day I had a good dream about him but was cut very shortly by waking up. Grr...missed the good part of the dream. Then yesterday, I had a dream about Leyda AND his gf. Not good. Before I slept though, I was looking at his fb pics and poking him, saying, "You handsome babo." Kept poking him because I was frustrated by the situation. Poke, poke, poke. Poke. He's such a 잘생긴 바보...
In the meantime, I'm just doing whatever the hell I like. Also...I'm still in the beginning process of giving up on Leyda....It's harder than I thought. Just the other day I had a good dream about him but was cut very shortly by waking up. Grr...missed the good part of the dream. Then yesterday, I had a dream about Leyda AND his gf. Not good. Before I slept though, I was looking at his fb pics and poking him, saying, "You handsome babo." Kept poking him because I was frustrated by the situation. Poke, poke, poke. Poke. He's such a 잘생긴 바보...
22:47
2011-09-03
♥ It's over...
Yesterday, I finally received a phone call from the HR guy over at MSK. I have an appointment for a physical and a pre-employment processing on Wednesday! Also, he said that my orientation will last 2 days, on the 12th and 13th. So I'm excited. My mom wanted to know if I was going to be paid those two days. -_-" How does she expect me to ask that? I was so happy. That night, I went out to a bar with Vic, Fei, and Leyda. Val, Lucy, and Suki were there too. Anyway, I had too much to drink and really don't remember much about the night. In fact, I'd rather have it that way. For me, drinking that much is to drive away my bad luck, although I haven't recovered much yet. I'm having the worst hangover ever and because of that, I swear I'm never going to drink again. I have no more reasons to because I've already driven my bad luck away!
Starting from tomorrow (because I'm dying right now), I will focus on my career and school. No more crying about my miserable life and how I want it to be this way or that way. I'm going to start doing my best to become independent. I don't know if this is the reason but living with my parents is making me suffer more and so I'm working on saving enough money to move out on my own or with a friend.
READ MORE...-->
Yesterday night was also the time to start driving away my feelings for Leyda. It's about time I give up and focus more on myself, my family, and my friends. No point in continuing to fantasize about a love that will never be, right? He did look good yesterday, even though he was dressing so formal. Lolz. I'm glad that I was able to see him yesterday. I think it'll help me start moving on.
The thing about life is that it's full of mystery and surprises. I never once thought that my past crush for Leyda would ever resurrect again but it did. For about a little more than 2 months, I've liked this guy because he's such an amazing dork, whose ambitions are stronger and higher than anyone I know. His goals and his intellect were what attracted me the most. His sarcastic, witty nature was something I had to deal with and over time, it become something I liked and wished I had. His influence was big on me because since I started talking to him again, I started to take my health more seriously and I started to dream even bigger. Whereas before I would have never dreamed of actually being able to go to places I wanted to, now I dream of going to England and traveling all of Europe, then skipping over to Australia and Hawaii. Because of him, I'm also trying my best to not be bounded by what Cancers are normally known for: being emotional and nurturing and homely. I want to be more adventurous and explore the world. I want to see the world in the way he does. I want to be more positive and outgoing. I don't want to be trapped here, just worrying about finding enough money to live. I want to live a life that's fun and wonderful. :) I don't want to be an emotional burden to anyone anymore; I want to think more logically about things and not having to use my emotions to guide me.
In this short span of time of liking him, I learned a lot. Thanks to him, I'm able to gain another perspective.
So let's hope this horrible hangover will be gone soon because I can't take it anymore. T.T I also feel sorry for Vic because I'm pretty sure he got into trouble because of me. Apparently, the shit that I have been dealing with was a lot more deeper than I thought. I guess I didn't know how deep they were until I was sitting across from Vic at a McDonald's, crying my heart out. Just even thinking about it makes me want to cry even more. I didn't know how heavy of a burden I was carrying for my family. I don't remember what I told him but I know the content. I was just so sad and in so much pain. I guess liking Leyda wasn't as big of a problem as I thought. I don't even think I mentioned him at all in the convo.
Don't mistaken me. I love my family...but sometimes, being the oldest first-generation Chinese-American can take a huge toll on someone like me. My parents and bro rely on me a lot and although that kind of makes me feel important, sometimes I just can't do the things they ask and it makes me feel really bad. But I do love my family. If anything bad were to happen, I just can't imagine living without them.
Starting from tomorrow (because I'm dying right now), I will focus on my career and school. No more crying about my miserable life and how I want it to be this way or that way. I'm going to start doing my best to become independent. I don't know if this is the reason but living with my parents is making me suffer more and so I'm working on saving enough money to move out on my own or with a friend.
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Yesterday night was also the time to start driving away my feelings for Leyda. It's about time I give up and focus more on myself, my family, and my friends. No point in continuing to fantasize about a love that will never be, right? He did look good yesterday, even though he was dressing so formal. Lolz. I'm glad that I was able to see him yesterday. I think it'll help me start moving on.
The thing about life is that it's full of mystery and surprises. I never once thought that my past crush for Leyda would ever resurrect again but it did. For about a little more than 2 months, I've liked this guy because he's such an amazing dork, whose ambitions are stronger and higher than anyone I know. His goals and his intellect were what attracted me the most. His sarcastic, witty nature was something I had to deal with and over time, it become something I liked and wished I had. His influence was big on me because since I started talking to him again, I started to take my health more seriously and I started to dream even bigger. Whereas before I would have never dreamed of actually being able to go to places I wanted to, now I dream of going to England and traveling all of Europe, then skipping over to Australia and Hawaii. Because of him, I'm also trying my best to not be bounded by what Cancers are normally known for: being emotional and nurturing and homely. I want to be more adventurous and explore the world. I want to see the world in the way he does. I want to be more positive and outgoing. I don't want to be trapped here, just worrying about finding enough money to live. I want to live a life that's fun and wonderful. :) I don't want to be an emotional burden to anyone anymore; I want to think more logically about things and not having to use my emotions to guide me.
In this short span of time of liking him, I learned a lot. Thanks to him, I'm able to gain another perspective.
So let's hope this horrible hangover will be gone soon because I can't take it anymore. T.T I also feel sorry for Vic because I'm pretty sure he got into trouble because of me. Apparently, the shit that I have been dealing with was a lot more deeper than I thought. I guess I didn't know how deep they were until I was sitting across from Vic at a McDonald's, crying my heart out. Just even thinking about it makes me want to cry even more. I didn't know how heavy of a burden I was carrying for my family. I don't remember what I told him but I know the content. I was just so sad and in so much pain. I guess liking Leyda wasn't as big of a problem as I thought. I don't even think I mentioned him at all in the convo.
Don't mistaken me. I love my family...but sometimes, being the oldest first-generation Chinese-American can take a huge toll on someone like me. My parents and bro rely on me a lot and although that kind of makes me feel important, sometimes I just can't do the things they ask and it makes me feel really bad. But I do love my family. If anything bad were to happen, I just can't imagine living without them.
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