So today was Vic's bbq party in celebration of him getting the engineering job. He was the one who organized the whole thing and bought the food and stuff. The people who came were me, Maggie, Nancy, Fei, Xin, Leyda, his gf and friends, Lucy, her bf, Val, Simon, Nelson, his gf or friend, William (Leyda's little bro), and his friend. So there were quite a few people. It was fun, although I only ate a chicken wing and hot dog because the food was oily.

I also got my chance to apologize to Maggie and she accepted but she's just waiting to see if I really did change. Since it took Vic almost a year to see the changes, I told her that it might take her a year too. I think she's willing to wait. In the meantime, I will show her that I changed, that I'm not as immature as before. I believe that I've grown up quite a bit and I really need to show it to the people who are close to me. I think it's time for them to finally be around a more mature Jana.

READ MORE...--->

So how was it seeing Leyda again after talking to him all this time? My eyes have been deprived of hot looking guys. Lolz. I know what it meant to like him and I know what the result was going to be. He has a gf and they have a stable relationship. I saw it today and I'm actually happy for him. In the past, I would have been hating on the gf and wishing for a miracle that will separate them. But that's the past me. The new me isn't jealous at all. Even I think it'll be stupid of him to break up with his gf for me. In an evolutionary perspective, his gf is a better mate. You want to pass on good genes and she's pretty. But I'm taller. ^_^ Just saying.

But I still like him and I like him even more after seeing him wearing that black tank top. He had a black T-shirt on when he came but he took it off when I wasn't looking and when I saw him in his tank, I was like O.O. It was really a jaw-dropping moment. Yes, his body was WOW. In a good way. Sigh. That made me like him even more since he had the body type I like. Unfortunately, his gf also had a good body. T.T I mean, fortunately. >.< William came without a shirt on and sigh. I got distracted by those two bros the whole time. Tsk. I have been majorly deprived of hot looking bods for a long time. Well, I do see nice looking ones when I go jogging but they're not Leyda; they're not people I can like. Then again, Leyda should be one of those people too. >.>

So basically, I like him even more now but it's just that. I know what the consequences are and I'm determined not to go depressed on my friends for that. I know it's impossible for us to be together and even so, I still like him. It's been like a month and a half already? It's okay. It's not that bad. I'll end up probably giving up on my own but for now, heeheehee. I'm okay where I am. And it's nice to finally like a guy who should be liked. :)


We went to Vic's place to drop the stuff off and when we parted, everyone was walking towards the opposite direction of me. I was walking alone back and Maggie was asking Vic if he could walk me back but I knew the neighborhood so I told him not to. As I was walking back, I realized why I didn't feel as afraid as before. In this world, I'm invisible. In my neighborhood, it's the same. Unless I speak out, nobody notices me. Unless I act out, nobody notices me. That's why I'm not afraid. I guess being invisible has a good thing to it. ^_^

Time to go back to my life now.

So...Amy Winehouse died recently. Yes, it was shocking even to me since I hardly follow American music anymore. But I do catch up on American celebrity lives via People.com. I read about her sometimes...which mostly are about her drug addiction or her beehive hairstyle. I only found out then how old she was. I thought she was in her late 30's or early 40's but she's only a few years older than me. That really tells me drug addiction does horrible to your looks. Or maybe she just looks old. I don't know. I also don't know her music so I can't say that America lost a great musician. However, it is sad because she was young and also, parents should never have to see their kids go faster than them, if you know what I mean. It really is sad.

READ MORE--->

These days, my mood swings have been horrible, more so than usual. Then yesterday, a sign of an upcoming period week came. My first thought: "Craaaaaap..." Not only am I upset that I'm a girl but I was also upset because I didn't have the necessary "equipments" with me...and I was in Flushing! T.T Luckily, it was just the sign and not the actual period, which means I was right in my intuition of why I've been gobbling up so many food in my home. -.-" I was doing fine with my so-called diet (which is to just eat less rice and get rid of all junk food, including precious candy. :( sad life) and suddenly, I was so hungry and craving for so many food. Then I thought, "Why am I suddenly on a huge crave?" Yeah, should've really believed my guess then, which was that in about a week or so, my period would come. >.>


So I've done my interview on Friday and it's Monday and I still haven't heard anything from them. I think I did well and I hope they thought so too. I also sent my thank-you emails that night so I hope they received it. >.< I wonder if they even read it since they're always so busy. I really, really want this job. I hope I get a call for another interview but this time with the physicians. That's what I was told. Oh yeah. That day was crazy. I had to wear a long-sleeved shirt and a long-sleeved jacket to the interview. The high for the day was 105degrees, with a feel-like temp of 115degrees and my interview was in the afternoon, which is the time for the high temp to come in. I felt like I was going to melt! >.< On Saturday, I went to my last volunteer session for the project I was involved in. It was good. The volunteers went to eat together afterwards and a past volunteer came. He was younger than I thought and good-looking. ^^ It was great. Afterwards, I went home and rested a bit because of the hot weather. High: 100degrees. >.> Wee...Then around 4, I got ready for a wedding. My cousin was getting married that day and as usual, we get dressed. It was actually the best Chinese-style wedding I went to because the food selection was great. They had some eel, which took me by a huge surprise, and the scallops were HUGE. I'll post pics of that another time. I'm too lazy now. Anyway, I enjoyed it even though it was an awkward event, as is all family events for my bro and I. We're not as close to our cousins so yeah, awkwardness. I didn't know what to say besides "congratulation" and "have a nice married life".

Yesterday, Sunday, I went to Flushing with Chung and we ate and shopped for a bit. We went to this small Korean restaurant and the food wasn't bad at all. I would like to go again sometimes this summer and get a cold noodle soup. Chung got it and said it was a great selection. Duh. The hot weather. I should've gotten that too. >.< He also introduced to "Bug Village", a game. It's fun but you have to wait patiently, which is a good thing if you work but I'm not currently so it's boring... So that's how my weekend has been. Now all I'm doing is just waiting for my phone call. :(

That's 2NE1 most recent single...or at least it should be. It means "I'm the best". Tomorrow, I have an important interview and I need to have this mindset, that I'm the best. Since it was because of my cousin and her friend who helped me get this chance, I have to do so well to impress everyone who interviews me, including her friend. In today's world, you can't only count on your education background; experience and networking is much more important. I'm so thankful I have at least one connection. Unfortunately, everyone else I know is either in a field unrelated to mine or they're still in school or something.

I've been preparing for the interview and I really hope I do well tomorrow. I have to wear a long-sleeve shirt and I am so going to be drenched by the time I get to the interview site. T.T Well, my dad did say that he'll drive me. Everyone's so excited about my interview that I feel more pressured by it. I mean, what if I end up not getting the position? I really don't want to disappoint anyone. I mean, it's not like I have no confidence but sometimes I get my hopes up too high and I end up crashing really badly. That's why this time I don't want to get my hopes up too high. I will do my best to get this position. My cousin's friend even told me to call him so he can give me tips.

Other than that, I have nothing else going on. I just need to complete my un-enrolling from FDU which I've been too lazy to do. >.> I should do it like after the interview tomorrow. I should have enough time since it's only like a 15-30mins drive. Gosh. I really hope I do get this position. >.< I really want it! It'll be a turning point in my life.

Today I went to get a facial because on Saturday, one of my cousins is getting married and my face takes some time to heal. Today was the most painful because I have too many whiteheads and...well, pimple stuff. >.> It was like getting surgery without the anesthesia. Well, except plastic surgery would be much more painful under that condition. Because of that, I can't go running. My face is not in a great condition for that. And it's baking hot.

Yesterday, I went running. I almost died. Well, I ran until I felt like puking. Then I stopped. Since I haven't ran for like a week, I knew that was going to happen. That's why I wanted to go today. Also, I called Vic asking him what he would do under certain conditions with this girl he likes. I asked because I felt like we were in similar situation. Basically, he answered one of the most important question. Now all I have to do is just be happy for...well, you know who, and just move on. This life is boring. Sigh.

By the way, I finally got a phone interview from MSKCC's HR person. I think it went well and I thought the guy was interested in meeting me. He said he was going to call later that day or today but he haven't called. They're always saying that they'll call and they don't. Does that mean I didn't do as well as I thought? Because I thought I did well. :( I really want the job too. Great. Now I'm starting to worry. I just had my face poked and squeezed. I don't need any more stress or else I'm going to start breaking out again. :(

I'm thinking about whether I should leave my hair long or should I cut it to shoulder-length. I usually don't like to cut my hair that short but it makes me look more mature. Well, I can always just tie my hair back and look more mature like that. Lolz. Oh well. If I do cut my hair, let my mom do it to save money or go to salon and waste more money? Ack. Whatever.

I usually don't double post on the same day but this is an exception. Today's my father's bday by the lunar calendar and so we went out to eat with relatives from my mom's side. We went to the restaurant that I didn't want to go to. I'll explain why later. There was like 10 of us and we ate a LOT. My tummy's so full right now. But it kind of got ruined a little towards the end.

So a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned in another blog, we went to that same restaurant for my mom's bday and I also mentioned that there was this okay-looking guy who works there and he asked me for my number, which I didn't give because it made me uncomfortable. Well, today, that guy was working there and I had asked my mom to explain to him why I didn't want to give my number, which she told him about. She said it was because I didn't know how to speak Chinese well and he told my mom that it was okay, that he'll speak English to me. In the end, he asked me again for my number and because I still felt uncomfortable, I asked to give my texting number but I didn't remember it clearly so I end up giving my number to him. He called me to let me know his number.

I did think he was cute back then but now that I started liking Leyda again *cough,cough*, I don't think so much of the restaurant guy, whose name is Harry, by the way. The main reason why I didn't want to give my number out isn't because I dislike him or I didn't want to seem easy but it was because I find it a bit creepy. I'm really uncomfortable giving my number out to people I don't know well, especially when they're not introduced to me by my friends. Even if they were introduced to me by my parents, I'll still feel uncomfortable. Also, the reason why I'm not as interested in him as my parents seem to be is because I will never like a guy who's from China who came to America recently. It's not like I have anything against them but I don't find them as attractive and the language and cultural barrier is strong. If they were like Chung or Shawn, I wouldn't mind because they came here when they were really young and therefore, have adapted well to America's way of thinking. Well, I mean, they understand my way of thinking. But for someone like Harry, they may be shock at the way I think or speak or act. Basically, we won't be able to communicate well, I think.

Another reason why I'm not interested is because he has this innocent type of face and he acts that way. Because I don't know him yet, I can't really judge strongly on this but those kind of guys are like chick magnets, which is a bit of a turn-off for me. Why? Because he may be one of those players who uses this method of getting girls and because I'm already insecured about myself, I'm not sure if I'll like going out with that type of guy. Of course, he may not be like that at all; he may really be an innocent type of guy. In general though, that's not my style. Chung is like that and that's why I think I've never liked him that way. Victor is also a really nice guy and I never felt a real attraction. Leyda...he's a nice guy but he's also very open...I think. You know what? I'm going to have to get to know him a bit better by hanging out.

I have nothing against being friends with him though and I just hope he knows that too. I just feel uncomfortable though with him approaching me like this. Of course, I never had this type of experience and I should be overjoyed by this but for some reason, it makes me uncomfortable. I'm glad I was approached despite my face looking like the way it is now (with acnes. -.-"). But let's hope it's like what my mom says, that he did so because he wanted to be friends. ^_^ Otherwise, I will have to do something that I don't like doing.

I realized that some parts of my last entry wasn't hidden properly so I went back to edit it.

Since then, I've felt better and my decision to un-enroll myself from the master's program at FDU is what I hope to be a correct choice. I'm probably going to call on Monday and find out how to proceed with that. I do want to get my master's one day but I'll just have to see then what it will be in. Right now, my family's having some financial troubles and I don't think it's the right time to take out about $70,000 in loan. I think that's stupid considering how I haven't even finished paying the loan I took out for my undergrad years. Thankfully, I moved out that last semester, which made my loan debt less. Right now, I know I should try hard to find a job and to find a balance between my life and my family life. I'm not talking about a husband and child of my own; I'm talking about my parents. >.>

-->(Read more...below)


Yesterday, I dreamed about Leyda and Victor. As usual, it was some crazy, abstract dream; it made sense and at the same time, it didn't. Victor was of course being my best friend, even in my dream. Leyda, on the other hand, played weird role. Oh...and Roger was in it but very briefly. The real part of the dream was my feelings towards Roger (regret) and Leyda (crush *blush*). The fake part was everything else...which is what a dream is! So to recap what happened--and what I can remember--I was feeling regretful about my relationship with Roger and I was sitting on this high surface, staring out at a window. I remember Leyda was calling to me and telling me to come down. Since I was up high, I had to jump into his arms. I think Victor was there too. When I was finally down on the ground, the settings changed and we were in some large supermarket (great selection of food. ^_^). Although we were just friends, Leyda and I were holding hands while walking around looking at the food. The holding hands part was more of me finding comfort than it was because of my feelings. Victor was there too, walking with us. Anyway, right before I woke up though, I remember that the whole atmosphere wasn't good because although we held hands, Leyda didn't take it as a "more than friendly" gesture, whereas I did. So yeah. That's really all I can remember and yeah, I'm not surprised my dream turned out that way. They are ALWAYS weird, with some realism mixed in. However, I'm never one to interpret my dream to mean something. To me, dreams are a way to consolidate our day's memory and therefore, don't contain any meanings.

But remembering the dream is throwing me into confusion. I already am oscillating between "like" and "don't like" and I was on the "don't like" side. Now I'm back to the "like" side. I'm so confused about my feelings for that stupid, dorky guy! And he's really nice too. Grr...Oh! By the way, I think I'm taller than his girlfriend. Why does that matter? Because I don't like being short. Hmph. Well, it's either that or Leyda's gotten much taller than I thought.


So the "Jana" nail polish from Zoya has finally come out. I'm waiting to get it because I don't wanna spend too much money. Zoya has such beautiful nail polish colours. Along with Jana, I'm planning on getting Lily and Breezi. Lily is this beautiful pale pink colour which is not as saturated so when I don't feel like wearing bright colours, I can wear Lily. Breezi is this bright sky blue-ish colour and I usually don't go for those kinds of colours but I really like this one. I also wanted to get Charla too but it's too shimmery. For some reason, my makeup preferences now has changed. I used to like shimmery but now I'm more of a matte person. Also, I used to like coloured makeup but I'm more natural/neutral now. I'm waiting until Black Friday comes to buy the Coastal Scents' "Metal Mania" palette. It has all the colours that I want and they're wearable. I also want half lashes. Well, I want to try them out. Oh, forgot! I really want that Naked palette from Urban Decay. Clarissa highly recommends it. It also costs me $48 so I have to hold off on that for a while...a long while.

Until I get a job, that is. I'll put some money in my savings account. Pay some of the loan debt. Give some to my mom to help pay some of the bill. Then maybe if I'm lucky, I'll actually have like $10 to spend however I want (food, basically). Anyway, that's when I get a job, which I hope is soon. ^_^

Before I sign off, I want to say this. Yes, I'm talking too much about a certain someone and yes, I will probably regret it a few months from now but this is what happens when I'm bored. A boyfriend is someone you have because you like them, they have a higher chance of being a potential procreate mate, and you want someone to talk to comfortably about anything. That last part is what I need the most. I mean, I do have friends but although they are really good friends, sometimes the things I say can be too much and it's a burden to them. I feel bad but I have no one else to go to for advice and for comfort. That's why I want a boyfriend so much so that I can take some of the burden off my friends. Of course, this time I won't be telling my friends about my relationship troubles. I learned that well from my past experience. Right now, I'm just longing for a someone who I can call at like 3am and cry to them about my problems. A boyfriend sounds right...well, unless he sets up some boundaries. :-/ Also, a boyfriend would make me feel less lonely.

Maybe I'm thinking of all these excuses to have a boyfriend because my cousin's getting married next week. Finally, a cousin from one of my parents' side who's marrying because---. Well, I feel it's too mean to even mention so I'll keep that bit to myself.

Right now, I'm just too lost in this world. Once I get a job and get settled in that, maybe I'll find some of me. I'm just a hopeless lost girl who's finding trouble by thinking of things I shouldn't. Like suicide (which I'm an anti of but not to the extreme) and Leyda. I'm in no position to commit myself to a person and give him my whole heart/world BUT I am in the position where I'm willing to commit to a job. ^^ So right now, my two worries are my lack of being in a relationship and being unemployed. :*( I need a stable and secured life!

I'm giving up. It's so tiring to have to deal with all the negative shit that happens to me and having to put up a positive front. For me, pretending to be positive about life or even trying to think that way is energy-consuming. It's so much easier to just give up. It's also so sad too but not as sad as I'm feeling right now.


This past week has been horrible and today was like expired icing on a cake. Trust me, they're bad. A week ago, my cousin offered me a job opportunity through her friend and today I heard back from my cousin about it. Apparently, I had done a phone interview with that company before and since it didn't go well, they blacklisted me. So yeah, even after a year or so, they think my responses are the same and they're not even gonna give me a chance to interview again. I've said this before and I'll say it again; I was stupid a year ago. Well, I still am but less stupid than how I was back then. I experienced enough to know what I should do and you know what? Even if I do, what does it matter?

People tell me to stay strong but they haven't even been in my shoes to know how BS that sounds to me. I know they mean well and it's not like I've never tried to stay strong. But when you keep bumping into walls and hitting them, should you just stop walking? I know there are people who have gone through what I've gone through but they're not me and I'm not them. I was never the type of person to stay up for long and I've always been down a lot. I fall down easily under unhappy situations. It's hard to get me to feel confident for a long time.

I'm not even talking only about jobs and interviews. I'm talking about life in general. I've stopped screwing up on friendship...by not meeting anyone new for like a year. I'm happy that Maggie's talking to me. I know not to make the same mistake I've made. But the point is I made mistakes even when I knew not to make them and that's screwing up hard! Not only that. Relationships. I had a good one going and I screwed that thing up by being the selfish bitch that I was. Then I went ahead and did something I told myself not to do and ended up hating the guy. Well, not hating. More like disliking him a lot...or avoiding a lot. Now I'm scared to even get myself into a relationship because I don't want to turn into the insane bitch I was back then.

Now I go and like someone I'm not supposed to. It got me thinking this: I'm never gonna get married at this rate. I think that will come true and I'm afraid! I mean, who wants to grow old alone? I wanna grow old with someone I love who loves me back. I keep liking a guy so easily that it really makes me sick. But you know, this time it's not as bad. Back then, I would really want the guy to break up with his gf but I actually haven't thought that way since I started liking Leyda...again. Maybe it's just...nothing as time passes. I just know now that I'm depressed and I'm lonely. It's not that I wanna share my pain with someone because I don't wanna cause anyone pain. I just want someone to be here with me to comfort me and support me. Except I don't have one. Leyda is actually a really nice guy so I can't say that I only like him coz I'm lonely. He's also not bad looking and he told me he has his six-pack back. A bit shallow but everyone's like that. 

I don't know now whether or not going back to school for a master's in forensic psychology is a good idea or not. It really isn't because the chances of me finding a job after isn't high. Still, I don't know where I wanna go. I'm so lost in this world because I haven't been given that many opportunities. Honestly, I don't know how I want to live my life. All I know is that I want my death to come faster and since I'm against suicide, that option's out. People wish to live up to 100 or longer; I've always just imagined myself living up to like 35 and dying from an accident or something. I don't understand people's desire to live longer. Well, maybe I don't coz of my life right now. Not even my friends make me wanna live longer. Nothing does.

So the question is: why haven't I died yet?

I had an entry here but for some reason the blogger app from the market chose not to sync with the online blogger.
Basically, I was talking about how my head starts to hurt when the sun is this strong and when I only get 6 hours of sleep. The combination is a killer.
Today I had a low-fat cream cheese bagel and for the 5-10 mins that I was eating, it felt like heaven. Unfortunately, it gives me unwanted fat. Great motivator for exercise except the sun is too strong. My doctor advised me not to exercise under that condition, which is why I can only exercise in the evening or early mornings. The thing is I can't wake up early enough to exercise and as the day progresses, I become lazier so either way it's a lose-lose situation. But you know, I feel like if I can wake up before 12 or 1pm, I should try running then. Btw, the reason why I should run only when it's not so sunny outside (early morning or evening) is because I have low blood pressure and I can't risk fainting due to heat stroke...which is how I feel every time I step out the door during this summer.

So I had mentioned in my Cyworld blog about liking Leyda...Sigh. I hate having crushes on guys. I think it's my nasty habit of curing boredom. Anyway, for now, even if I like a guy, I can't do anything about it. I'm still trying to work on myself so therefore, I have to abstain from getting entangled with anyone. I just hate to be lonely and watching my girl friends be happy with their bfs. I mean, I'm happy for them but envious too.
BTW, as I was helping my parents to their major cleanup around the apartment, I found a letter that Taehwan wrote to me for our first month and yeah, I did feel something moving inside my heart but afterwards, as I was thinking about how it would be like if we were still together, I realized that it wad a good thing we broke up. I couldn't imagine a future, which is quite worrying if you were in a relationship. So I threw that letter and the card that he bought away. I really do think we're done and I really think I'm ready to move on. Of course not to Leyda.
Clarissa's right in saying that I will never know what will happen to Leyda and his gf,  but even so, I will never be like Lorraine. Going after another girl's bf isn't the same as going after a husband but it sure feels like it. Plus, they seem really nice together...when you think about it because I've never seen a pic of them together.
So that's all for now.

--Posted from my Android phone.